Grieving the Child I Thought I Would Have

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As I was entering motherhood there were things that were not told to me. How would I function on a few hours of sleep, how do I know the baby had enough to eat, how huge a poop can be, etc. One thing I was not told was what to do if the pregnancy didn’t go as I hoped. This is where grieving came into place.

Yes of course people lose children and they grieve. But as a special needs mom I grieved the child I thought I was going to have. It is completely normal to do so and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Every time I went to my OB I would get bad news after bad news and there was always something to grieve. I didn’t know what to expect. Will my child talk? Will my child walk? There were so many what ifs and I grieved. I felt so alone. I felt like my life was falling apart.

Now looking back, I am surprised about how I got through it. I never knew I could be so strong. But I have to be. I need to be there to raise Lexi, be advocate, be her best friend, etc.

I experienced three stages of grief and I would like to share them with you. I’m sure many of you have read a few posts close to mine but writing this gives me some peace.

1. Anger. I was angry at everyone. Myself mostly. I felt that my body let me down. That I was the one that caused this.

2. Scared. The unknown scared me and it still does. There are many question marks that come with Lexi’s diagnosis. How was I to prepare? Would she walk? Would she talk? All of this really can weigh you down.

3. Acceptance. This happened when she was born. It was hard to accept her diagnosis. There are times that I still struggle, but I have accepted that life will be different. Lexi is a sweet, funny, happy little baby and I wouldn’t trade her sweet little self for anything.

It has been a long process, but I am so grateful for her and our family. I hope this post helps any other moms out there that may be struggling with a similar situation.

 

Photo by: Hannah Decossas Photography

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